Solitary Confinement

    I like to be alone. I really like to be alone. Well, most of the time. I don't like to feel alone. No one likes to feel alone.
    When I'm at home I spend most of my time in my room. Probably 90% of my time at home is spent in my room. I like to turn my music on and do whatever has to be done. ALONE. I have the entire basement floor to myself, which makes it very easy for me to be alone. My family affectionately calls it "the dungeon" because I spend so much time down there. Whenever I do come up from "the dungeon", someone proudly announces "Alaysha has left the dungeon and come to see the light of day!" 
    It makes me very upset when anyone comes and interrupts my solace. It irritates me beyond reason when I "need" to be with the family and stop isolating myself. I WANT TO BE ISOLATED! That is why I stay downstairs! I wish everyone understood that I just like to be alone sometimes. 
    The adults in my life always tell me it isn't good to be isolated all the time. Every time I say it's not isolation because I like it, they say something like: isolation that doesn't feel like isolation is still isolation. (7)  Whatever...
    Sometimes I hate being isolated. Being in public and not knowing anyone is always really bad for me. In fact, earlier this year I attended a party for one of my friends in Round Lake. I got there before it was time for her to be announced and I just about lost it. I ran to the bathroom and called one of my friends, crying about how I was alone. Though that is one of the more extreme examples anytime this type of situation arises, that's how I feel. 
    Being in public alone is bad but being around people I know and feeling alone is worse. I'll often walk in on a conversation and have no clue what's going on. I personally dislike when new people join the conversation and ask for an explanation. I try not to be that person so I usually just sit there awkwardly trying to catch on. Most of the time I don't.
    Voluntary isolation isn't always a positive either. I get to over thinking about things that I shouldn't think about at all. Sometimes I do things I shouldn't, but that's apart of growing up, I guess.
    Isolation is a tricky subject in my life. It helps me unwind but it also is the cause of much of my sadness. Isolation is probably the cause for my self isolation, if that makes any sense...





(7) - epanalepsis